I am me

This weekend, Eden has brought the Fresh Horses out for a run.
She has asked us to focus on 'who am I?'
Head to edenland to check out some of the wonderful posts that have linked up.

I am Chantel,

I am 30 something,

I am a wife,

I am a mother,

I am a part time Occupational Therapist and a part time student.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I am passionate about play and its role in learning.

I love the stories we get from those who have lived long lives and have seen much.

I like lists.

I like stationery.

I love eating, cooking, wine, travelling and all things geek.

I don’t love frogs, coriander and ironing.

I am a romantic masquerading as a cynic.

I want the underdog to win all the time and I cry when they do.

I love the colour blue, in all its shades.

I say I am an avid reader, but in reality haven’t read anything over 100 pages since 2010.

My son was born in 2010.

I love heavy metal, guitar rock and 90s grunge.

I hit my peak in the 90s and see that as my benchmark of social achievement.

I aim to laugh every day.

I write about my life, my loves, the good times and the hard times.

I don’t apologise for my optimism or those days when pessimism wins out.

I am sure that lately, I have not been the best 'me' I can be. My mind is not on the game, I have snapped at Z when I shouldn't and I have not been totally present when he needs me. I have not been the best friend I can be, I have not been there when they have needed me. I feel like I am teetering on the edge. I have had 3 miscarriages in the last 6 months - my doctor has looked at my dates and numbers and said that it has actually been 5, but for my sanity, I am only counting those that I get a positive test for. They have all been early, and fortunately all been around 6 weeks. But they have all hurt my heart that little bit more each time.

I am lucky. I am not suffering like some people I know that go through fertility problems.
I am lucky I know why it is happening, and I know there are options if the 'luck of the draw' natural way gets too much for us. I know that one in every six of my eggs is a winner, one in every six is like me and Z (wonky genes, but normal?????) and four out of every six are not viable and will end in early miscarriage. I also know, that any pain and heartache is worth it, as each day I get to experience the joy of sharing life with Z, the result of what happens when it goes well.

I know I will get me back soon, I am sure that the annoying Pollyanna will return again soon.
I am strong and we will get there.

I am me.

Even with easy, She teaches!

Today at for Fresh Horses, Eden has asked for our favourite photos. This week's topic is a lot easier for me to do than some of the last ones, so I thought I would have a go.

Then I spent time looking through recent photos and realised that I just don't capture enough and that's probably something I should take from this week (see Eden, with you, everyday's a school day!) I am always worrying about getting a photo 'exactly right'. I need to stop worrying about the best lighting, the best pose, the tidiest setting and just take photos of life!

Here is one I took a few minutes ago of a special treat breakfast - a hot cross bun (yep, mummyfail here!)
But how could you deny that joy!

Linking up to Eden's fresh Horses Brigade. Head on over to see some great pictures

Chantel x

Fresh Horses and Funerals

This week for the Fresh Horse Brigade, Eden has asked us what song we would like played at our funeral.


I will admit, this pushes me a bit as I am not that comfortable thinking about my funeral - purely and simply as I am not ready, I don't want to die any time soon and my heart aches to think I would have to leave my boys behind. When I asked TBone about this topic, he was very quick to dismiss it also. La La La La, hands covering the ears, La La La.


I have been fortunate to only have ever attended 4 funerals in my life and have not really been that exposed to the sad side of death. I am touching wood with desperation as I write this. (The 11 yr old boy in me is giggling writing that line).


My Grandpa didn't have a funeral - that made me angry as I felt cheated out of an opportunity to say goodbye. He also donated his body to one of the universities. This upset me as well, as I have been an anatomy student and I know the lack of respect shown by many 17 year olds when they work with these donated bodies. At 17, you say things in front of your peers for a laugh and it saddened me to think someone might say something about him lying there on the cold metal gurney.


I have also had amazing opportunities to work in pallative care. To be allowed to work with people at the end stage of their life is the ultimate privilege. The work an OT does is simple, organisational, but it can make such a huge difference to a person having their last days the way they want them, on their terms. The work is heartbreaking, but so rewarding at the same time. It is an honor to be able to be part of someone's life at this very personal time.


I thought it would be easy to choose a song that I wanted to be played as a celebration of my life. In reality, it is really hard. You want the song to represent the memories that you leave for people - even though in truth, no-one is really likely to remember what is played.


I don't think I want 'funeral' songs per se, I think I would more like a 'mix tape' of the important songs in my life. I always said I wanted 'Hallelujah' - any of the versions - Leonard Cohen, Tim Buckley, Jeff Buckley or perhaps even the Tea Party version.





I would like 'Imagine' from John Lennon to be played.





I would like the acoustic version of Foo Fighters 'Everlong' to be played.





and I would like something from the Tea Party played. (Yep, 90's tragic strikes again - and yes, I am one of those saddies that is VERY excited they have reunited).  I thought choosing their song would be easy as most of their work is quite dark and about life and death, but nothing jumped out. Something that highlights Jeff's amazingly beautiful voice - perhaps 'In This Time'






or 'Release'






or 'Halcyon Days'






or are they a bit weird because of some of the lyrics? Perhaps one of their instrumentals would be better like 'The Badger' or 'Winter Solstice'





Whoah! That was a bit self-indulgent - but I suppose that is the point!
Definitely something that needs more thought on my part as I would hate to not have music as a major part of any celebration of my life. I would want my wake to be full of 80's indi and 90's grunge also, so might just have to make a more comprehensive list :o)


Head on over to Eden's page to see what other's have chosen.

Have a great weekend.

Chantel x

Handwriting

linking up today with Eden's new meme Fresh Horses.


Happy weekend xx