15th October

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day around the world. It is a day parents can honour babies who passed away from miscarriage, still birth or post natal death.

I never wanted to be a member of this club. We had our first miscarriage in 2009, the pregnancy before Zeb. The pregnancy lasted 8 short weeks and we were heart broken. We were so fortunate to have a successful pregnancy immediately following. It was a stressful pregnancy as I was constantly on edge that it would happen again, but it was physically an easy pregnancy with the most amazing result. 


This time round, we have had four miscarriages over a period of 10 months. All have been pregnancies that have lasted around six and a half weeks. I am fortunate I know why this is happening. I have a chromosome translocation - basically means I have scrambled eggs -   only two of every six eggs that I produce will result in a viable pregnancy - I just have to wait for the right egg to drop.


In the meantime, we are dealing with the grief of losing multiple pregnancies. Each time we get a positive pregnancy test, there is joy, overshadowed by fear that it could happen again. Each time a miscarriage happens, my heart shatters a bit more. I grieve for what could have been. We so desperately want a brother or sister for Zeb and I am not getting any younger. There is sadness with each miscarriage, but also it feels like a waste of time, a wasted opportunity and takes us further from our goal. 


I am fortunate our miscarriages are happening in early pregnancy. I don't have the heartache of some parents who see their fully formed babies on scans, those who deliver sleeping babies, or those whose babies struggle for life from their first breaths and don't end up going home. At the same time, I question if I have the right to grieve about my situation, do I deserve to feel sad, when really we are only losing a small bunch of cells. We haven't lost what some people have and I can only imagine the heart break they are experiencing.


But I do feel sad, I do need to own and validate my feelings and my grief. My grief has turned my life upside down these last few months and things have been that little bit harder than usual. I haven't been the best mum, wife, daughter or friend I can be, and that distresses me more. 


But we have hope. We hold on to the fact that ours is a game of roulette and eventually the odds will fall into our hands. Each morning, as I go to wake Zeb up, my heart fills with so much love for him and hope that we can create a baby as perfect as him in the near future. We just have to keep on hoping.


Today, share a thought for those parents who didn't bring their babies home. 


15october.com.au

Inspiration

For today's home work for Blogging Your Way, I have chosen the prompt 'who inspires you'.
Growing up, I always wanted to be a high powered career woman. I was fortunate enough to be afforded opportunities and was raised to believe I could do and be anything I wanted to be. In a way I felt sorry for my mum, who gave up her occupation to raise the three of us. I felt that in a way, she had to make sacrifices, she gave up her identity and she conformed to what was expected of her in a very 'patriachial' society (I really thought I was such a feminist ;) ) 
Then I had Zeb, and my whole world view was flipped on its head. I realised that everything I ever wanted from my life, could be satisfied by being his mum. I know that there are people who totally disagree, and don't want to be defined by being a mum and strive for that career recognition and recognition of their self. Three years ago, that was me. I thought I would have a quick period of maternity leave, then be back being everything to everybody. 
I have now realised I don't want that. I crave to be a stay at home mum, and spend my days playing and watching him grow. The days he goes to day care or is with his Nanna, I spend wondering what he is doing, what he is thinking and miss him terribly. I actually like the kid. I love spending time with him, love his take on the world and love making him smile.
He is what inspires me. He is what keeps me going and getting out of bed each day. Zeb is what makes all the heartache we have had the last 10 months with 4 miscarriages worthwhile, he is why we keep going as we know if we can crack it, we can come up with perfection. 
He inspires me to be the best mum I can be, to be a role model for him, by being the best 'me' I can be and by showing him that with perserverence you can get to where you want to be. In five months time, I get to be a full time mum to him, and regardless of 18 year old Chantel thinking I am selling out,  I can't wait! 

I am me

This weekend, Eden has brought the Fresh Horses out for a run.
She has asked us to focus on 'who am I?'
Head to edenland to check out some of the wonderful posts that have linked up.

I am Chantel,

I am 30 something,

I am a wife,

I am a mother,

I am a part time Occupational Therapist and a part time student.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I am passionate about play and its role in learning.

I love the stories we get from those who have lived long lives and have seen much.

I like lists.

I like stationery.

I love eating, cooking, wine, travelling and all things geek.

I don’t love frogs, coriander and ironing.

I am a romantic masquerading as a cynic.

I want the underdog to win all the time and I cry when they do.

I love the colour blue, in all its shades.

I say I am an avid reader, but in reality haven’t read anything over 100 pages since 2010.

My son was born in 2010.

I love heavy metal, guitar rock and 90s grunge.

I hit my peak in the 90s and see that as my benchmark of social achievement.

I aim to laugh every day.

I write about my life, my loves, the good times and the hard times.

I don’t apologise for my optimism or those days when pessimism wins out.

I am sure that lately, I have not been the best 'me' I can be. My mind is not on the game, I have snapped at Z when I shouldn't and I have not been totally present when he needs me. I have not been the best friend I can be, I have not been there when they have needed me. I feel like I am teetering on the edge. I have had 3 miscarriages in the last 6 months - my doctor has looked at my dates and numbers and said that it has actually been 5, but for my sanity, I am only counting those that I get a positive test for. They have all been early, and fortunately all been around 6 weeks. But they have all hurt my heart that little bit more each time.

I am lucky. I am not suffering like some people I know that go through fertility problems.
I am lucky I know why it is happening, and I know there are options if the 'luck of the draw' natural way gets too much for us. I know that one in every six of my eggs is a winner, one in every six is like me and Z (wonky genes, but normal?????) and four out of every six are not viable and will end in early miscarriage. I also know, that any pain and heartache is worth it, as each day I get to experience the joy of sharing life with Z, the result of what happens when it goes well.

I know I will get me back soon, I am sure that the annoying Pollyanna will return again soon.
I am strong and we will get there.

I am me.

Pride

As Australians, we don't tend to shout from the roof our personal triumphs like other countries do. In my travels, I have found that Americans, Germans, French and the Italians are very good at telling you what they do well. It is not about bragging, it is just having the confidence in their abilities and not being ashamed to promote it. Australian culture is getting better, but there still is that tendency to "cut down the tall poppy" and feel uncomfortable when you read about someone 'talking themselves up'. 


To that end, I have always felt very uncomfortable showing any pride in achievements. I know that's my own problem that I need to get over, so I am starting here - with something very uncharacteristic of me.


I am not a runner. To look at me exercising, you would see a mid thirties, fat chick running (a 'fat runner' as Kim from All Consuming puts it). It isn't pretty or graceful. I don't run, I tend to shuffle my feet. I try to exercise regularly, and I have talked here before about my weight battles - at the end of the day, I like food too much and don't manage the will power very well. 


So it was a surprise to everyone that knows me when I entered the "HBF Run for a Reason". I stupidly decided that the 4km was for wusses and that 14km would be a lot better suited to a novice runner like myself. 


I trained for the 8 weeks beforehand, slowly building up my long run each week and then last Sunday, in time for the event, I managed the 14km! I am so proud of myself that I finally did something I was talking up and not just give in because it was too hard and I wasn't the best at it. 


I certainly didn't break any records and if I am honest, many people walking passed my shuffling body, but I finished it.


I met most of my goals, I didn't require St John Ambulance attendance, I wasn't on the news that night for having a heart attack, I wasn't picked up by the bus that drove at the end of the course that picked up the stragglers that weren't meeting the maximum time limits and if I hadn't had to wait in a toilet queue at the 10 km mark, I would have gone under 2 hours.


I am proud of myself, proud that I finished something I never thought I would and proud that I raised money for Lifeline, a very important charity. 


It was a beautiful day in Perth and I really enjoyed myself. My legs ached for a few days after, but I really think I could get into this running thing.


What is something you are proud of? Shout it loud!

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Linking up today with Jess @ Diary of a SAHM for I Blog on Tuesdays. Head on over and read some really really great posts!

Klutz

This is what I did to my husband's iPad the other day at the airport

He was so good about it, didn't get angry, just rolled his eyes and said it was "such a Chantel thing to do". So I was going to write a blog post (as blogger's do) about how I took offence to a "Chantel thing" being a negative. I was planning to include reference to the episode of Friends where Monica's mum makes the comment about "pulling a Monica" and that was something the family used to say whenever anyone stuffed something up.


Then I thought about my recent form - we have 3 good wine glasses, 3 champagne glasses and 1 of those half bottle wine glasses left from a cabinet of about 60 glasses. My record was 3 glasses in a day - separate incidents though! I have lost my 2 most recent mobile phones as I dropped one in a glass of water and one in a cup of tea - the skill to be that accurate should be commended!


I am also known for my ability to knock my shoulder on the way through a doorway, Every. Single. Time.
I don't get PMT, I tend to get the drops at that time of the month. Last last few weeks of my pregnancy with Master Z, I dropped about 5 casserole dishes (many Christmas parties). I blame hormones for all of it. 


Then, that same night, I was reading the iPad in bed (still works if you are careful not to get glass shards in your scrolling finger).  And I fell asleep. And the iPad dropped. Onto our hardwood floor. TBone ran into the room because of the noise, shook his head and walked out without saying anything.


He probably has a point.

Welcome to my new site.....sort of......

From Here

Testing, testing, are you receiving me?


I am going to have to call this a 'soft opening'. As usual, my best laid plans turn to poo.


Plan was to have new blog design, new url, new facebook page, all ready to go in one beautiful, orchestrated 'boom!'. But, unfortunately, technology got in the way and I haven't been able to do a few things I had wanted too. And just like me in real life, it is all a bit wind swept, thrown together with a few holes in the t-shirt for good measure.


But first ....... doesn't it look pretty! I love the colours - kept from the old design, so it has the same aqua and fairy floss feel, but just a different name. The wonderful Sass from MooZoo Designs did it, I am in love with it's prettiness! I am not totally in love with having my face on the page, but will have a play with it - I think it distracts from the cartoon/ logo thingy a bit, but it may just be that old self conscience thing seeping through. 


Why BossyMummy????
Well, the original name (pinkelephantsandlemonade) was on a whim - I was tossing up between different song lyrics for the title of this little blog I was starting. I was going through all these cool bands, with cool names - then somehow, I ended up with a Madonna song - yep, go Madge!


When I began to use social media more and more, I wanted to get my full name away as much as possible - not hard to find, I know, but I wanted to remove it a bit. As I wrote more and more posts, I realised that no matter how cool I tried to be, I mainly wrote about Master Z, and family life. For that reason, I succummed to a 'Mummy' title and changed my twitter handle first to @bossymummy. I know some people don't like being called 'Mummy', or a 'Mummy blogger', but I tell you, nothing makes my heart melt more than my 2 year old calling me 'Mummy'! 


I was reading through some of my report cards from primary school and noted that a number mentioned I was extremely  had a tendency to be bossy. I mused out loud that 'nothing has change, I am still bossy, aren't I Z?' He turned to me and said 'I love you Bossy Mummy', so it stuck from then. I don't find Bossy negative, I have been a boss, I am a mum, I do have a tendency to delegate very well - it fits.


Sooo, as part of this, I have a facebook page finally - Yay Chantel, welcome to 2012! Please head over to the very funky button to your right to view it. Only started last night, so it's a work in progress, but I am really looking forward to using it to collate and share all the awesomeness that is the interwebz. I need to fiddle around with it, as at the moment, the profile picture shows Ossy Ummy, so not that helpful!


I have some more pages coming - I only just worked out I could add them myself (baby steps people, baby steps!), so hopefully I will get my 'About Me' page set up finally!


I also have the url www.bossymummy.com waiting in the wings, so will be able to transfer / redirect on the weekend and then all will be sweet.


With this new name, look and feel, I am looking forward to getting in the mood to write more, post more photos, share recipes and general musings. I would also love to spend time writing about play - one of my passions as an OT and a Mum, so expect a bit of that over the coming months.


So, this is the new me, you can find me here, or @BossyMummy or the newly minted
facebook page or good 'old fashioned' email.


Welcome, and enjoy the ride with me!
(oh, and nab my 'button' if you wish - isn't it cute :) )


Linking up with Jess  at Diary of a SAHM for IBOT as always. Even if I don't do much writing, IBOT is always posting day. Head on over for some great reading - would recommend a warm blanket, open fire and cup of tea sorted before you start if the weather where you are is anything like Perth at the moment!

The Beginning

Here is the Who, What, Where, When and Why of this blog


WHO

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I am a 34 year old mother of an 18 month old son. Wife of TBone (he's wanted that nickname since he was little, surprisingly it hasn't stuck (ha ha), so I thought I would give him his glory on these pages!). I am an Occupational Therapist by trade, work three days a week and I am almost at the end of completing an MBA.

I said I would be honest on these pages, and I have already broken that promise by using a cartoon image of myself - if only I looked like that picture, but it is missing the wrinkles, the bags and the double chin. I hope over the next few months I will have the confidence to change that image to the real me.

I love my life, I love my family and my friends. We lived in Leeds, UK, for 7 years, working and travelling, before coming back home and settling down in Perth. The time away certainly solidified what is most important in our lives.

I love cooking, eating, the outdoors, wine and a good book. I try to be generous, giving and reliable. I know my short comings include procrastination, I don't suffer fools, can be very negative about myself (to make sure I beat other people to it) and I am the most untidy person you will meet - the house often has what I like to call a "lived in" look going on. I also have a tendency to use apostrophes and commas in inappropriate places, so I apologise in advance for this. I must admit that I also tend to use exclamations!!!!!!!!! and emoticons sneak in every now and then without me really noticing :o)

WHAT

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I am not really a journal person, so I want this to be a good record of how things are in my life  and the world around me. The posts will be about me, my family, parenting, travelling, friendship and things that take my fancy. I will, on occasion, be self indulgent and I also want to use this as a place to store posts/letters to my son so in years to come he will have a record of what his life was like.

I am about as funny as a wet fish, so there will be feeble attempts at humor - just watch the tumble weeds go by! 

WHERE

I live in Perth and am not ashamed to admit I love it. Of all the places in the world we have been, this is definitely home and one of my favorite cities. It might not have the grandeur or history of some European cities, but I see it as an emerging hub of very clever people. We have amazing artists, designers, talented chefs and business minds. It may be because I am a country girl, so am easily dazzled, but I find there is no end of things happening in this city if you look for them. The "Dullsville" tag may have been appropriate 10 years ago, but the life that is coming from the city now is exciting.

I am currently writing this on my bed. We have a terrible internet set up, so this is the only option. I am in the process of cleaning out the junk room to make it into an office and a play room. At the moment it looks like this: 

The hope that in two weeks when my holiday has finished, I will be at a desk, sitting on a chair, hopefully using a computer that is utilising a wireless connection - just go to get myself sorted! I also want it to be a space that Master Z can have his table and chairs and blackboard so he can be close while I work. 

WHEN

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I am putting it out there that I will post three times a week at minimum. I will post Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and will aim to post something frivolous each weekend. I would hope that this will increase in the future, but I need to set low targets for myself to make sure I meet them, or I will throw a tantrum and give up :o) 

WHY

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Since going back to work I have found there has been no time to read any books (mainly as I am not a chapter a night girl, if I read a book, I read it cover to cover and the world around me has to stop). So to quench my thirst for stories, I have been reading blogs. I love reading about people's lives and views and reading the blogs I follow each morning and evening, fills the void that a good book would usually fill.  

This month, I am turning 35 and the last few weeks have been the first time I have been thinking that I am getting old. In my head I am 26 and will stay there for a few more years, but I think hitting 35 is making me stop and evaluate things about what I have done, where I have been and who I am - and what I want out of the next 35 years. Writing things down is the best way for me to get clarity, always has been.

For this reason, I thought I would have a go at blogging, mainly to keep a written record of our life, but also as a way to improve my writing skills. 

And all the cool kids are doing it :o)

So that's a snapshot of things, I look forward to hearing from anyone that may cross my path, please comment - mainly to furnish my need for instant feedback, but also to let me know your thoughts on whatever happens across my page.

Chantel x

(and I promise posts from here on in won't be so 'wordy')