I am me

This weekend, Eden has brought the Fresh Horses out for a run.
She has asked us to focus on 'who am I?'
Head to edenland to check out some of the wonderful posts that have linked up.

I am Chantel,

I am 30 something,

I am a wife,

I am a mother,

I am a part time Occupational Therapist and a part time student.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I am passionate about play and its role in learning.

I love the stories we get from those who have lived long lives and have seen much.

I like lists.

I like stationery.

I love eating, cooking, wine, travelling and all things geek.

I don’t love frogs, coriander and ironing.

I am a romantic masquerading as a cynic.

I want the underdog to win all the time and I cry when they do.

I love the colour blue, in all its shades.

I say I am an avid reader, but in reality haven’t read anything over 100 pages since 2010.

My son was born in 2010.

I love heavy metal, guitar rock and 90s grunge.

I hit my peak in the 90s and see that as my benchmark of social achievement.

I aim to laugh every day.

I write about my life, my loves, the good times and the hard times.

I don’t apologise for my optimism or those days when pessimism wins out.

I am sure that lately, I have not been the best 'me' I can be. My mind is not on the game, I have snapped at Z when I shouldn't and I have not been totally present when he needs me. I have not been the best friend I can be, I have not been there when they have needed me. I feel like I am teetering on the edge. I have had 3 miscarriages in the last 6 months - my doctor has looked at my dates and numbers and said that it has actually been 5, but for my sanity, I am only counting those that I get a positive test for. They have all been early, and fortunately all been around 6 weeks. But they have all hurt my heart that little bit more each time.

I am lucky. I am not suffering like some people I know that go through fertility problems.
I am lucky I know why it is happening, and I know there are options if the 'luck of the draw' natural way gets too much for us. I know that one in every six of my eggs is a winner, one in every six is like me and Z (wonky genes, but normal?????) and four out of every six are not viable and will end in early miscarriage. I also know, that any pain and heartache is worth it, as each day I get to experience the joy of sharing life with Z, the result of what happens when it goes well.

I know I will get me back soon, I am sure that the annoying Pollyanna will return again soon.
I am strong and we will get there.

I am me.