Monday, 15 October 2012

15th October

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day around the world. It is a day parents can honour babies who passed away from miscarriage, still birth or post natal death.

I never wanted to be a member of this club. We had our first miscarriage in 2009, the pregnancy before Zeb. The pregnancy lasted 8 short weeks and we were heart broken. We were so fortunate to have a successful pregnancy immediately following. It was a stressful pregnancy as I was constantly on edge that it would happen again, but it was physically an easy pregnancy with the most amazing result. 

This time round, we have had four miscarriages over a period of 10 months. All have been pregnancies that have lasted around six and a half weeks. I am fortunate I know why this is happening. I have a chromosome translocation - basically means I have scrambled eggs -   only two of every six eggs that I produce will result in a viable pregnancy - I just have to wait for the right egg to drop.

In the meantime, we are dealing with the grief of losing multiple pregnancies. Each time we get a positive pregnancy test, there is joy, overshadowed by fear that it could happen again. Each time a miscarriage happens, my heart shatters a bit more. I grieve for what could have been. We so desperately want a brother or sister for Zeb and I am not getting any younger. There is sadness with each miscarriage, but also it feels like a waste of time, a wasted opportunity and takes us further from our goal. 

I am fortunate our miscarriages are happening in early pregnancy. I don't have the heartache of some parents who see their fully formed babies on scans, those who deliver sleeping babies, or those whose babies struggle for life from their first breaths and don't end up going home. At the same time, I question if I have the right to grieve about my situation, do I deserve to feel sad, when really we are only losing a small bunch of cells. We haven't lost what some people have and I can only imagine the heart break they are experiencing.

But I do feel sad, I do need to own and validate my feelings and my grief. My grief has turned my life upside down these last few months and things have been that little bit harder than usual. I haven't been the best mum, wife, daughter or friend I can be, and that distresses me more. 

But we have hope. We hold on to the fact that ours is a game of roulette and eventually the odds will fall into our hands. Each morning, as I go to wake Zeb up, my heart fills with so much love for him and hope that we can create a baby as perfect as him in the near future. We just have to keep on hoping.

Today, share a thought for those parents who didn't bring their babies home.


info said...

Hi Chantel - we have a few things in common I too have had 4 miscarriages and yes your heart shatters every time... but then you in my case get one that sticks so to speak and you count your blessings.. that doesn't make it any easy but I got through telling myself it wasn't meant to be nothing you can do about it but wait... and then the sunshine hits you with the biggest surprise of life.... keep hope and stay focused... see you in BYW... and here I'm following too...

xx Denise

Jess said...

Oh Chantal, I had no idea! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I really hope you get a miracle soon. xxx

Jenni (Museum Diary) said...

Hi Chantal - thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your losses. I am lucky to have never had a miscarriage, so I cannot possibly imagine what you are going through. But I think everyone grieves when they need to, so don't question it , just go with your feelings. I wish you all the best and happiness for you and your family, and that you get the miracle you are hoping for. Best wishes, Jenni (Museum Diary on BYW)

Jenni (Museum Diary) said...

My apologies, I did not notice that my computer had auto-corrected your name from Chantel to Chantal.